just another day..

So like I need to really get in to a routine.. so here it is.. (not that nayone reads this or gives 2 cents)..
After I do my YOUVERSION I am going to try and get in habbit coming here.. I figure that way I will be in better space!..

In pain tonight and trying to ignore it..

rooms trashed.. kitchen needs work...

I have to wrok on DBT things..

tomorrow maybe swim and group.. IF it doesnt RAIN

routine.. gotta work on that..

also have to work on all my DOUBT

peace out

feed back welcome to those that are reading.. and thnk im nutter that nuts

umph

"PRAY WITH UMPH" . HE SAID WELL GOING TO DO THAT AND LIFE TO.. MORE LATER..

been to long

I think that I get myself all psyched up to do things. Well meaning to follow through... Blog, read, eat right, journal, ect.. So how can I break myself of what I feel is setting myself up for failure.. well I can do this.. I can each day look at myself closer and decided if I am willing to put forth the effort to do each of the things that I have set myself up to do.. yeah like a check list.. I can remind myself it isn't failure to not finish the list, but to work at it.. and improve on it..

whatever

I am having another one of those whatever days. Mind is racing with what I need to do what I should do and what I want to do.. sticking on the later of the 3.. oh well it will get done at some point.. ..

changing the change

Okay so something happens, and you what to change the situation, action ect... So after awhile you realise, that this change isn't or hasn't worked. Do you just say oh well and give up? OR do you Change that change.. and keep changing till the change actually works?

Peace

just another day in the neighborhood

Whats the point?

what a day

Was a wonderful day!
Time at the lib.
Gave blood..signed up to give again on 24th oct.. think I will change that to 31st :) just the oddity in me...

Feeling blah about myself.. Really have to get back to eatin right and to the y more than here and there..

We set up family meals for next 3 nights.. we will make a what we can have for breakfast and lunch also tomorrow,, so that we can shop accordantly to what is on sale. I also want to make a basics list and find the cheapest places for those items..

 being organized and on things keeps me busy and that is best...

okay ..  see there are 2 followers hi to u... hi to anyone that stumbles across this..

Tomorrow I will start to log what I eat.. at least I will try :)

Monday AM

Awake at 8:30, Moving and dressed by 9:00.. In the next 35 minutes, have done dishes , started laundry, washed a back pack out ( pickle juice ..ewwww).. Now sitting here for a quick few, before heading out..  Out to the building of never ending stories (Lib.) than off to donate blood.. than back home to do more things, such as read, clean, eat, time with kids and online..


I am feeling BLAH, I know I have over eaten the wrong kinds of foods.. to much butter,, to much whatever. I have to start over and re think about all the foods I eat..I am planning a "cleansing with Helga, starting Fri.  With God, Helga and the boys ( they don't know this yet, I will get through the week of cleansing.

As for the Y it has been and up and down thing. I was going to go before I went to the previous mentioned things to swim. Have not decided if that is still in toe plan. Will it be over kill?  I know I will have to wait a day to swim, that should be okay maybe wait till Wednesday?

Family meals this we are going to start back up on. Yes we are. It will help all of us to eat better.

Well this is all for now.. new thing trying to do this on a more reg. basis.. I have to log in t2 books that I just finished reading..

Peace out..

domestic violence

There are many kinds  of domestic  violence.. I was in one myself. Thankfully, I suppose mine never became physical. I do suppose that does not lessen what I went through, along with my kids.  Words can hurt just as much as the blow tot he face. (So I have been told, since I have never been hit).

I did not see it at the begining.. others did though. They warned me.. all I saw was the charmer. I didn't see..couldn't... wouldn't.. Words, actions, no actions.. anyway if you read this and really want to know MY story ask..

I am writing this for a different reason.. see I live in a duplex..(SIGH) never again.. The couple fights a lot. I have only called the cops 2 times since I have lived here..(5 months) Last night , we this morning 5am I had enough..

Why is it that when the cops are called we lie well okay I never called them on myself nor did anyone else.. BUT they were called because I would put myself.. or maybe he forced me into a manic.. craziness..I would be taken away in the "BUS" and be in the little 2 bed room going to groups.. last time that happen was for 2 weeks..opps that was a dozzoer of one.. mean while he was at home..

So back to me calling the cops.. all is quiet there now.. no one taken away.. yet I heard things fly, I heard  help me, I heard please do not hit me..I also  heard *^&^)* from her to him and him  to her.. . They do not fight every night it goes in cycles.. maybe I should keep track.. may this is happening around "her" time a month? Wow would that not be something to send to the researchers on violence.. wait they may or probably already have this idea..

Maybe next time I get outta my warm bed and just pound on the wall.. they will pound back but, then at least they get the idea.. cops may come..

peace

`change

Was once said to me... change the change so the change will change...


Change.. If something needs to be change you need to make the effort to change it.. now.. here is the question...How do you decided IF YOU have or want to change something..

Well for me, it took a few long years to make a huge change.. to become single again.. this was one of the best changes I ever made.

The next big change for me was moving to town.. yes this was awesome.. gave all of us freedom...

So now there have been brought to my attention.. things like what I wear.. "how old are u anyway" ?

Well this is one thing I will not change .. I will wear what i want and feel comfortable in.. I will not wear what someone else says I should..

Change what I eat .. yes this one makes sense, eat healthier become healthier , change drink less soda.. more water. duh...

Change attitude.. :)

conforming

So here it is..we are going with think... " this or that" about ur outfit.. do you change.. or do u say this is who I am.. even if you have something that would be better suited... I learned it really isnt hard to change the outfit.. but also at same time felt dang I had to conform..maybe I am using the wrong word?

Some times we have to make changes.. but as long as we do not go against our true self...changing an outfit is a simple change.. next time bring more clothes to be able to conform.. simple thing... frustrating  but guess simple..

now other that clothes I will not conform.. I will not drink or do something neg. to myself.. I will not hurt someone... ect...

that is all for now...

behind the doors

I am loving and caring... many say so.. most of the time I believe this.  I do have a hard time taking the positive comments.  I am very thankful for them.

When I am alone... . in my room. or taking a HOT (to take away the pain) so I think. I cry. I wonder why.. I think is it all true.. If .. Why.. Would money fix it.. would another choice have made it better... 

My tears right now.. are I can;t be there to hold my daughter, just voice and typed words to show I care... tears are in my eyes.. 

Tears that my sons laptop is gone..

Tears that my house was violated...

Tears that I do not know how to fix things.

All I can do is do my best.. many say that is good... 

I ask why do I keep getting pushed down.. 

Things get good.. then wham...

Some how I have to manage to do the monthly things that NEED to be done... they the added things.. unplanned first as it is needed more then the planned things... dang all costing money.. the route of why my house was violated. 

I will sell things.. to replace things.. I will give up things that we dont need to get those that are needed.. 

tears tears tears... only behind the doors... locked up... for noone to see... 

well it is time to let you all know I am not that strong.. 

promises broken.. trying to stop it.. trying to fix them...

tears more and more..

only behind the doors and in these words.. who will really see them...

I know how hard it is. do you?

I was in an abusive relationship. Though I did not realize how bad it was till I got out of it. See others warned me. ( I will listen to warnings now.. after the fact). 

See for me I did not endure physical pain. I never knew or realized that there were other ways to abuse. my abuser injected himself into my life when I was at a low point. (This is a first warning of abuse). The treated me nice. Once he moved in.. well to be honest we meet online, he came to visit and never left. (2nd real sign).

Said we had to get married,, hmm another sign. See these are not signs, especially from someone that is feeling low and down about themselves. Yes others said something, I was like NO he is treating us well. He started watching and doing things that put me back into oh I am not pretty, good enough, overall a bad person. Yet I stayed, I started to be afraid. Did I realize it was abuse no... I thought it was my fault.. Things would be good. Then it would happen again. We'd fight, I was trying to take care myself. He said I was doing things to get attention. I did seek that attention after hearing that for so long. He didn't leave, instead he stayed and through that in my face for many years. He verbally, emotionally and mentally abused all my kids and me. Sexual abuse to me.

Almost 5 years later I still struggle with this. Recently I realize that it was abuse from the start. Do I regret it all. No and Yes. I would not be who I am for it today if I had not been through it all. Will I make sure in the future to not get in to it.. OR leave it if I am in it.. Heck Yeah.

Know that I am seeing what abuse is.. I sometime struggle helping others. Such as a neighbor. I do not know her well, so do not know how to approach her. I feel for her. He cuts her down with words.. hits her.. she does it back.. I did that.. the  you do so I will do. No more for me. I will stand my ground and stick to my morals. That is I will give it my best shot at it.

MOVIES

SO I have been watching a variety of movies today. Each one has brought me outta this funk I have been in.  So now what.. time to get active at the things that I have not done that need be dont.. to the things that I haven't done that I want to do.. there is  difference.. need and want.. We all have to have a balance between the two. 

so the needs.. clean.. wants.. read, crafts.

okay yes I have spent the last few days vegging out.. this is a want it the good periods .. in the space I have been in it is not a safe thing...

now wondering what the movies are that did this.. 

Gnomeo and Juliet,,, Charlie St Cloud... Center Stage..

My daughter and sone (kyle) where also part of it.. if either of you read this ty...

To those to on FB thank you

Being BiPolar

I have Bipolar along with panic/anxiety and paranoia.. oh and they say being bipolar   you are border line personality.

The last few days I have been cycling pretty rapidly.. It sucks... it is not great. 

The feeling of downs for no reason makes no sense to others.. well heck it makes NO sense to ME! To cry for no reason. Sigh..

The to be UP , watch out. I go wild with cleaning.. some times it is really bad and over clean.. lately thankfully it is just fast cleaning none stop.

sigh that is all i can do...say... share

not all about me and not all about you

If only I could remember this..
If only others could remember this...

So you do something.. not to purposely to frustrate,  piss off, even hurt...

Do ya think before hand about what you are going to do.. or have already done..
Do ya think oh, this will be the outcome..
Is the outcome going to be something that will matter in a day, a week, a month, a year, 5 years, 10 years..

But I suppose .. you really should think about it, and if it is even going to matter at all just not do it..
But what if you really do not realize it..

What if .....  You see it as something incidental and they see it as something huge.. or the other way around...

You want something and want it now.. but do you realize that there are others to consider?

Sometimes I just want to not be involved in anything with anyone.. as to not .. well .. anyway I have rambled.. this will most likely make sense to me and me only... not that anyone else is reading this..

the question not asked

I learned many years ago, that the question not asked is the dumb question.

So I am grateful for the "adults" that are with kids, that when they have a question to ask, allow them to. I issue a Wheel Chair and Crutches. ( Not at the same time.) Kids (sometimes (rarely) adults) as questions.  I have my standard "quick" answers. If the "adult" with child is open to me talking too, I go into a tad more detail.

I have learned to not take it to personal when parents do not let the kids talk to me. I ow that i them that doesn't want to know .

Where do we loose our insouciance? Are we discouraged, or is it a learned thing from the adults in our life? Maybe we can relearn it from the kids .. we just have to be to be open to it...

So I ask ya. watch the kids around you.. and just see if you can find that insouciance lost so long ago.

calling vs not calling

So here is the situation:

I live in a duplex..
Since the day I moved in.. dang the night I signed the lease was the 1st time..
Fightin.. LOUD.. screaming.. banging..

I have called once.. she was threatened.. as the cops were knockin.. I do not know how they could not hear the threat...

I have not called again- though they have fought..

This week she was fighting outside with some chick.. and said the neighbors.. * not sure she was reffering t just be or not+

Last night (sat. prior to fathers day) was a long night of being awoken..

Fightin between the 2 of them .. along with someone else.. I think the same chick as the last few weeks..

dang i know noone is reading this.. I need to change the name of the blog.. to get people to find it..

anyway fightin right now..

sigh..

arghsssssssssss

So I have the arghs right now.. tired.. overwhelmed..full ,confused.. frustrated . yadda yadda..one thing at a time. right?

Okay was a good day.. Started counselling.. really like the lady I will be seeing.. Have a great feeling that I will be able to work through a lot of things..

Had a good dinner with kids , carry and mak...

going to log off on line here in a few take a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng hottttttttttttttttttttttttt shower refill med container.. and read and get bed early ...

Being picked up around 815 ish.. going to cleveland with a friend .. he has an appointment with a surgeon.

Thursday. boys have doc... hope to change my frames of my glasses...

fri there is something.. idk right now...

more next time.. doubt anyone is reading this anyway...

Peace

swimming

swimming swimming swimming
I can wait the few more days.. as I have waited this long.
The smell of the pool... (Oh I miss the smell of the lake)
I will let my body show me how fast I shall go.. 
I want to set up a goal distance...

what would you do?

Have you ever watched the show "What would you do??" ?

Really makes you think.. you would step up and stand up for what you believe in.. What exactly do you believe in? Now I could sit here all day long and ramble on about what I believe in... but I think I will only share a few.. and if anyone is actually reading this and cares to share.. that would be awesome....

God comes first in the list of things I believe in.. with out him there is nothing else for me to believe in.. He is my Rock and my Strength . my everything....

I believe in Pro Life.. that said some may disagree that I do.. as I also believe there are certain times when intervention needs to happen.. That is for me only when either the mothers or the babies lives are at risk.

So know I suppose I have gotten off track with the "what would you do?" not really..

What would you do if you heard a young girl talking about abortion? Would you go up to her and talk to her.. and tell her how you feel and help her to learn all the options? or would you just sit there and not guide her?

If you saw someone needing help .. would u?

If a child was being hut would you step in and help.. or get help?

I think we have become .. "we better not's"  afraid of what might happen. or it will take time out of  my day. wow now that cannot happen right??? WRONG!

.

its quiet but loud

My room is quiet.. the sounds of the fan, the soft breathing of my daughter asleep on my bed.. outside my door in the next room my son sits in the dark watching tv.. every so often a car goes by.. that is the loudness that breaks the sweet quietness of the things close to me...

todays ramblings

So i woke up and finished the book I was reading.. decided to go play bingo-- win small prizes..I picked some candy bars and drink mixes..time with other adults..then on way home I stopped to see if I could get a list of classes at YMCA well they are online now. dang there are still a few people out there that cannot or donot get online.. anyway I do and can.. So i continue on my way.. decide to long and to hot to wait for alex so on i rolled.. than oh me oh my i realized my shoe was gone... yeah i had it setting on the foot rest.. so around I turn.. yeah found it about a block back.. meet boys at the corner and we went to the store... almost.. home the chair started to die.. but home safe and sound.. now.. chillaxing..

Are you more a giver or a reciever

Life is abt give and take.. But do you give or take more.. Do you think of others before yourself....God wants us to give.. You will be given more in return that is good for you then if you give and except things in return.

When was the last time you did something for someone else that was good and didn't even blink an eye.

Way I see it you can give with something as simple as helping someone load bags into their car..How about just  a smile and hi. that smile and hi just may change someones day. Giving comes from the heart and does not mean you have to spend money just spend you thoughts time and love....

This is what I got out of the Church Service at Church tonight..

So what are you gonna do ..

Is the social actually making us anti-social?

This is something I know has been talked about. I am just now waking up to the idea of it having some truth.

Are the social networks actually making us anti-social?

I only signed up for the social net work FB for one reason.. that one reason was that there were going to be a few of us 3-5 have a place that we could have a "study" log for a class.  I went on saying that is it that is all no more.. lots less..  Only 3 people signed onto this group, myself and one other . Oh and the one that wanted the group. He i suppose vanished in the the realm of the social part of this network as he never posted. so the study group was dead soon after its birth.

So in this short time my kids wanted me to add them as friends.. slowly over the last few years I have had up to 300 friends, I cannot even tell you who 99% of them are. They are there a link to me somehow.. friend and family long forgotten , newly found. these are wonderful diamond in the rough.. yes in deed..

Over time I started to get some requests for friendship.. who are you I think to myself.. okay take a look see why they may want to be your friend. AH they have NF (neurofibromatosis) okay ADD.. Church friend..okay ADD.. kids friends.. okay ADD.. Hi I am (so and so) I am an amputee.. KEWL ADD..the snow ball is now a snow MAN as tall as the sears building. That is in my little mind.

So okay now have this list of friends.. I am not sure which son showed me.. glad he did.. at that time.. the game applications.. Something that a recovering addict like myself should have a WARNING DO NOT CLICK HERE sign attached. So I jump..Okay HOP (no comments from the peanut gallery) into these applications (APS).. slowly only thinking are my crops ready, do I need to feed the animals, is the food burnt..The laundry can wait.. eat.. right after I.. seed the farm..

A bright light came on this last week.. was it because I have over 100 books that I have gotten at the local lib. book store for the price of what 2 would cost.. Is it the weather outside.. could it be this or that.. OR am I seeing that I spend more time online then I do sleeping.. So I decided to take a summer vacation.. I turned off all my applications.. dared others to do so to... that is up to them .. them to evaluate for themselves if they are becoming anti social like I feel I am.

Back and ready to share..

So.. Kids say it is time to blog. I agree.

It is early Sunday morning, way early as it is 12:41. I sit here with my daughter next to me. She is on her computer doing her thing as I am on mine doing mine. On the TV is the Rocky Horror Picture show.

All around me are things outta place. Clothes, books, clothes, books.. oh wait there are some papers here and there to.

I am beginning to turn off APS on FB and read more. More power for the brain.

So for now I will go and finish the movie and see about getting something called sleep..

When I awake I start the day with a smile..