behind the doors

I am loving and caring... many say so.. most of the time I believe this.  I do have a hard time taking the positive comments.  I am very thankful for them.

When I am alone... . in my room. or taking a HOT (to take away the pain) so I think. I cry. I wonder why.. I think is it all true.. If .. Why.. Would money fix it.. would another choice have made it better... 

My tears right now.. are I can;t be there to hold my daughter, just voice and typed words to show I care... tears are in my eyes.. 

Tears that my sons laptop is gone..

Tears that my house was violated...

Tears that I do not know how to fix things.

All I can do is do my best.. many say that is good... 

I ask why do I keep getting pushed down.. 

Things get good.. then wham...

Some how I have to manage to do the monthly things that NEED to be done... they the added things.. unplanned first as it is needed more then the planned things... dang all costing money.. the route of why my house was violated. 

I will sell things.. to replace things.. I will give up things that we dont need to get those that are needed.. 

tears tears tears... only behind the doors... locked up... for noone to see... 

well it is time to let you all know I am not that strong.. 

promises broken.. trying to stop it.. trying to fix them...

tears more and more..

only behind the doors and in these words.. who will really see them...