`change

Was once said to me... change the change so the change will change...


Change.. If something needs to be change you need to make the effort to change it.. now.. here is the question...How do you decided IF YOU have or want to change something..

Well for me, it took a few long years to make a huge change.. to become single again.. this was one of the best changes I ever made.

The next big change for me was moving to town.. yes this was awesome.. gave all of us freedom...

So now there have been brought to my attention.. things like what I wear.. "how old are u anyway" ?

Well this is one thing I will not change .. I will wear what i want and feel comfortable in.. I will not wear what someone else says I should..

Change what I eat .. yes this one makes sense, eat healthier become healthier , change drink less soda.. more water. duh...

Change attitude.. :)

conforming

So here it is..we are going with think... " this or that" about ur outfit.. do you change.. or do u say this is who I am.. even if you have something that would be better suited... I learned it really isnt hard to change the outfit.. but also at same time felt dang I had to conform..maybe I am using the wrong word?

Some times we have to make changes.. but as long as we do not go against our true self...changing an outfit is a simple change.. next time bring more clothes to be able to conform.. simple thing... frustrating  but guess simple..

now other that clothes I will not conform.. I will not drink or do something neg. to myself.. I will not hurt someone... ect...

that is all for now...

behind the doors

I am loving and caring... many say so.. most of the time I believe this.  I do have a hard time taking the positive comments.  I am very thankful for them.

When I am alone... . in my room. or taking a HOT (to take away the pain) so I think. I cry. I wonder why.. I think is it all true.. If .. Why.. Would money fix it.. would another choice have made it better... 

My tears right now.. are I can;t be there to hold my daughter, just voice and typed words to show I care... tears are in my eyes.. 

Tears that my sons laptop is gone..

Tears that my house was violated...

Tears that I do not know how to fix things.

All I can do is do my best.. many say that is good... 

I ask why do I keep getting pushed down.. 

Things get good.. then wham...

Some how I have to manage to do the monthly things that NEED to be done... they the added things.. unplanned first as it is needed more then the planned things... dang all costing money.. the route of why my house was violated. 

I will sell things.. to replace things.. I will give up things that we dont need to get those that are needed.. 

tears tears tears... only behind the doors... locked up... for noone to see... 

well it is time to let you all know I am not that strong.. 

promises broken.. trying to stop it.. trying to fix them...

tears more and more..

only behind the doors and in these words.. who will really see them...

I know how hard it is. do you?

I was in an abusive relationship. Though I did not realize how bad it was till I got out of it. See others warned me. ( I will listen to warnings now.. after the fact). 

See for me I did not endure physical pain. I never knew or realized that there were other ways to abuse. my abuser injected himself into my life when I was at a low point. (This is a first warning of abuse). The treated me nice. Once he moved in.. well to be honest we meet online, he came to visit and never left. (2nd real sign).

Said we had to get married,, hmm another sign. See these are not signs, especially from someone that is feeling low and down about themselves. Yes others said something, I was like NO he is treating us well. He started watching and doing things that put me back into oh I am not pretty, good enough, overall a bad person. Yet I stayed, I started to be afraid. Did I realize it was abuse no... I thought it was my fault.. Things would be good. Then it would happen again. We'd fight, I was trying to take care myself. He said I was doing things to get attention. I did seek that attention after hearing that for so long. He didn't leave, instead he stayed and through that in my face for many years. He verbally, emotionally and mentally abused all my kids and me. Sexual abuse to me.

Almost 5 years later I still struggle with this. Recently I realize that it was abuse from the start. Do I regret it all. No and Yes. I would not be who I am for it today if I had not been through it all. Will I make sure in the future to not get in to it.. OR leave it if I am in it.. Heck Yeah.

Know that I am seeing what abuse is.. I sometime struggle helping others. Such as a neighbor. I do not know her well, so do not know how to approach her. I feel for her. He cuts her down with words.. hits her.. she does it back.. I did that.. the  you do so I will do. No more for me. I will stand my ground and stick to my morals. That is I will give it my best shot at it.

MOVIES

SO I have been watching a variety of movies today. Each one has brought me outta this funk I have been in.  So now what.. time to get active at the things that I have not done that need be dont.. to the things that I haven't done that I want to do.. there is  difference.. need and want.. We all have to have a balance between the two. 

so the needs.. clean.. wants.. read, crafts.

okay yes I have spent the last few days vegging out.. this is a want it the good periods .. in the space I have been in it is not a safe thing...

now wondering what the movies are that did this.. 

Gnomeo and Juliet,,, Charlie St Cloud... Center Stage..

My daughter and sone (kyle) where also part of it.. if either of you read this ty...

To those to on FB thank you

Being BiPolar

I have Bipolar along with panic/anxiety and paranoia.. oh and they say being bipolar   you are border line personality.

The last few days I have been cycling pretty rapidly.. It sucks... it is not great. 

The feeling of downs for no reason makes no sense to others.. well heck it makes NO sense to ME! To cry for no reason. Sigh..

The to be UP , watch out. I go wild with cleaning.. some times it is really bad and over clean.. lately thankfully it is just fast cleaning none stop.

sigh that is all i can do...say... share